This US dating specialist urges couples to sign a relationship contract

7 min read
This US dating specialist urges couples to sign a relationship contract

 BeijingUS: In a long line of love specialists, Ury, 34, is part of a dating pundit factory. TikTokers, podcasters, and Instagram infographic creators have recently entered the fray, churning out dating “rules” like: wait three hours before responding to a text, tell guys they make you feel comfortable, limit your want to argue with your relationship.

Ury, on the other hand, has a Harvard psychology degree and the best-selling book “How to Not Die Alone” in eight printings and 14 languages.

An hour later, Ury was back at her computer, leading a Zoom session for 67 people who had paid about US$2,000 each for a six-week course to ask their most pressing dating problems.

Ury’s mission is to back up Ury’s assertions that her methods for hacking modern romance are based on solid research. 

Whenever Ury talks, it’s as though she’s standing at a podium. If you ask her a question about her work, she’ll spend up to 25 minutes answering it. She frequently alludes to behavioral economics experiments and incorporates data in her presentations.

Some of her clients “feel safe” with her because of the way she speaks, according to the Ury.

Both of Ury’s lifestyles, her intermittent fasting regimen and the one she leads at Radish, a luxury commune, are defined by data. They share the compound with 12 other engineers, behavioral scientists, and venture capitalists and have a goat milk soap in the bathroom and use the Slack channel dubbed “not a cult” to communicate. 

Ury’s clients bring her screenshots and screeds, their love languages and childhood traumas, and she talks about their romantic life in frameworks that are easy for them to understand. Her “postdate eight” is a survey in which she questions how tense their bodies were and if they felt “heard” while out on a date.

17-page “relationship contract” that includes the minimum number of sexual encounters the pair agrees to have in the course of a particular time period may be recommended by Ury if a client decides to pursue a relationship. Ury has a breakup contract in case things don’t work out, which specifies things like whether or not the ex-partners want to stay in touch on LinkedIn and how they want to describe the breakup to “casual acquaintances.” 

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The secretary problem is a behavioral science enigma that Ury loves to utilize to reassure her most data-centric clients. If you’re interviewing for a secretary position and there are 100 applicants, how do you choose the best one? Mathematically speaking, the optimum course of action is to interview 37% of the potential hires before deciding which one you like most. Your “meaningful benchmark” is that person because the standout deserves to be replaced by the next best candidate.

When dating from the age of 18 to 40, you’ve dated about 37 percent of the people you’ll ever date, according to Ury’s version of the statistic. She argues that by the time you’re in your 30s, your best ex is your standard. Commit to the next person you meet who you like better than the one you now have a crush on.

While this may not be what clients want to hear, it has caused some readers to take offense at her characterization of modern romance as gloomy and depressing.

“Pattern recognition” is a phrase she uses frequently when she recognizes and synthesizes patterns in a person’s past love life. The “relationship audit” is a form that Ury’s clients fill out, detailing their past romantic relationships, how they met each other, and the reasons those relationships ended.

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